Ashes
by 510356ful
Summary: What happened before the epilogue in Mockingjay? This is my story on what happened, how Katniss came to fall for Peeta again and how life changed for the two victor's. DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN THE HUNGER GAMES
1. Chapter 1

~~~Chapter 1~~~

I wake up from a nightmare, where muttations try to eat Prim. Prim is dead I remember. She has been gone for a while now. I wish Peeta were here to comfort me but I know I'm not allowed to ask for that. I do not deserve 'happiness'. A lot of people died because of me. Rue, Glimmer, Marvel, Cato, Beete, Finnick, and many others all because of me. My sister Prim is dead, my _best friend_ Gale abandoned me, and my mother left. I don't deserve anything especially, happiness.

I try to fall back asleep, as tears run down my cheek. I try to remember the things that happened earlier this week; it changed my life a lot.

Peeta had returned to District Twelve. He had brought Primroses and planted them along side of my house in Victor's Village. He came back, but for what? Does he still believe there's a chance for, _us_? Why would he return, his whole family died in the bombing, while we were in the Quarter Quell. He has nothing left, except for me and Haymitch. He only has us left, of course he would come, does he think we might become something. I admit I liked some of the kisses that we shared. I remember the feeling I felt when we kissed in the beach during the Quarter Quell. Does he still love me? I don't know why I would care; I'm never going to get married anyways. Why would he anyways, I've caused him so much pain I can't even bare to look at him for longer than a minute. He's not the Peeta I loved, he's now hijacked. He'll probably want to kill me now. And it's my fault as well. I can't stop feeling guilty for all I've done to him.

I admit I have missed him. I have many questions to ask him but don't know what to ask him when I see him. I have been ignoring him, for some reason. After hours of thinking I drift off to sleep.

I wake up and see bright blue eyes staring at me. "Peeta", I say. His eyes have lost the cloudiness they had when he was hijacked back in the capitol. His blonde hair is in curls. A smile creeps on my face. "Good morning, Katniss, I made breakfast", he tells me. "Thanks", is all I tell him. I want to ask him a lot of questions but I don't know where to start. I walk into the bathroom to take a shower instead.

He's really here! I don't know why but I feel happy. He's been waking me up all week, it's the only reason I get up. I get out of the shower and change into an orange shirt and blue jeans. I brush my hair and place it in to a braid. Plutartch had sent me some type of cream that would help get rid of my burnt scars. I apply the sweet smelling cream on my face, arms and legs. I walk down stairs to the kitchen and find Peeta taking cheese buns out of the oven.

"Hey", I tell Peeta, getting his attention. "Hey", he replies with a grin. We eat and I can't ask him anything. We're quiet, until he breaks the silence. "Katniss", he says wanting me to assure him I'm listening. "Yes", I reply. "You have nightmares every night. Real or not real?", he asks. "Real", I reply with a sigh. "I would sleep with you to help your nightmares go away? Real or not real?", he asks. "Real", I say, feeling guilty, I've been so selfish all these years. He always thought of me before himself, while I always thought about no one but myself. I feel shame, I don't know what to say, I stare at my food, not bothering to eat it.

"Why did you come back?", I ask defensively. "District Twelve _is _my home, and I wanted to see if it was really bombed", he says, the pain visible in his tone. His parents died in the bombing because of me, he lost his family. I burst into tears, "I'm sorry", I choke. "For what?", he asks, trying to comfort me. "For everything! Your hijacking, and all the pain I gave you! You gave me everything, while I didn't give you anything in return I can't even stand seeing you like this!", I say half crying, half yelling. I can't stand to look at him any longer so I run to my room. I shut the door and hide under the covers of my bed.

Tears run down my face. I want to be left alone. _It's all my fault_, I think. I start to cry again. It's a miracle I'm even alive, I wish I had died with Prim. Prim, why did she have to leave me. I remember how a couple of days ago I was crying with her cat, Buttercup. Sometimes I lock myself in Prim's old room just to remember her. Sometimes I can't stand being in her room with all her memories, I don't dare to throw any of her things away. I would never want to forget her, maybe if I just kill myself I will see her again.

There's nothing left for me here. Greasy Sae and her granddaughter visit me every day to make sure I eat. Why can't they just let me be, it would be better for everyone if I just died. Everything I once loved is gone. Peeta, I think. He will probably never be the same again anyways, he will probably try to kill me anyways.

I hear a knock on my door, it's probably Peeta. I don't want to see him, he's a reminder of the pain I have caused. "Go away Peeta", I scream. "It's Haymitch", I hear Haymitch say. I crawl out of bed and open the door. Haymitch walks in, "what happened?", he asks angrily. "I can't stand seeing him like this! I've destroyed him and it's all my fault", I shout crying. I start to cry harder now. " You screwed up this time, he thought you hated him and he's packing his things to leave the district", says Haymitch.


	2. Chapter 2

~~~Chapter 2~~~

Before I know what I'm doing I am running towards Peeta's house. It's just three houses away from mine but it feels so far away. I don't want him to leave, I have to admit. I don't know what I would do without him. I know I didn't want to see him anymore but something inside me just can't let him leave. I know he's not the same Peeta he used to be before but I can't let him leave, not again.

I open the door hurrying to his room. "Peeta!", I yell. I don't get a response, is he gone? Am I to late, I can't be! I open his bedroom door and find no one in there. I'm too late, now I will be truly alone. I fall on my knees and start crying again. This isn't happening, I tell myself. _I'm just dreaming_, I tell myself.

He left and it's all, my fault, how could I have done that! There's nothing I can do now, I guess it was better to just die. I hear someone walking up the stairs, so I go hide in the closet. I know it's probably Haymitch, and I'm not in the mood to see anyone or get a lecture. I don't want to talk to Haymitch especially since I will probably become a drunk like him. "Katniss", I hear Peeta say. Peeta, he's here! He didn't leave me!

I run out of the closet and hurry to see him but no ones in the room. _Did I just imagine hearing his voice_? No it couldn't have, all been in my head, he must be here, but then where is he? "Katniss?", I hear Peeta ask again. I turn and I see Peeta walking into the room. I run to him and place my arms around his neck burying my head in his chest "I thought you left", I choke still crying. "I wouldn't leave without saying good bye to you", he says, trying to comfort me. "Don't leave!", I cry, "you can't leave me, not again!".

I start crying harder. "I thought you wanted me to leave, anyways", he says, I hear the confusion in his voice. "I didn't mean that, I just can't stand. . . how I'm. . . the reason your life is ruined", I manage to choke out. "Do you really want me to leave?", Peeta asks nervously, I know it must hurt him to ask that. "No", I reply quickly, I begin to blush. I hold on to him tighter, dreading the moment I will have to let go.

I gulp and then ask, "Will _you_ stay with me?". "Always", says Peeta. A smile spreads across my face. I move my head out of Peeta's chest and see a grin on his face. His eyes look happy, and I know I am too. I do not want the boy with the bread to leave me. He wipes the tears on my face away and I stop crying. I don't want him to leave me, I wish I could just stay like this forever.

"Hello", I hear Haymitch say. Startled, I break away from Peeta. "You're staying?", Haymitch asks Peeta. "Yes", replies Peeta. "I'll go back to my house and let you unpack", I tell Peeta. He nods and I leave. On my way I see Buttercup lying on my porch, looking depressed.

I walk in to my house and find Greasy Sae making lamb stew, my favorite dish from the capitol. I see her granddaughter sitting on the table, starring sadly at her bowl of lamb stew. "Thanks", I tell Greasy Sae, with a smile in my face. I notice that this is the first time I have smiled since Prim's death. "He's staying?", she asks. "Yes", I reply. Why did it hurt so much when I thought Peeta was going to leave? Do I have feelings for him? I can't, I remember. I try to push the thought out of my head.

Peeta arrives minutes later wearing different clothes, a blue shirt and denim jeans. Greasy Sae serves him a bowl lamb stew and then leaves with her granddaughter. After were done eating, I try to help Peeta remember some memories from his past. He asks questions like, what color was my dress in District Four during the Victory tour? What color were the bakery's letters? Later he begins to ask me 'real or not real' questions. "Coin wanted to be a fierce ruler. Real or not real?", he asks me. "Real", I tell him. After hours of playing 'real or not real", it's time for bed. I hadn't noticed how much time I had spent with Peeta today. "See you tomorrow", Peeta says as he starts to open the door. "Don't go!", I shout. "Are you sure?", he asks. "Yes", I reply beginning to blush.

I feel happy to have Peeta, keeping me sane through all of this. I feel bad for Annie, Finnick, the love of her life died because of me. Finnick had helped her keep sane, and now he's gone and I don't know how she's doing. I remember how back in District Thirteen, Annie would cover her ears with both her hands and Finnick would try to calm her down. She called yesterday that she will come to visit someday soon. She's now pregnant with a baby boy, who will never see his father and it's my all fault. I move my head carefully so I don't wake Peeta up, I see he's already asleep. I fall asleep, my head rests on Peeta's chest.

When I wake up Peeta is gone. Did I dream that he stayed? It can't be, it felt so real. I notice that last night I didn't have a nightmare, he must have been here. I walk downstairs and find Peeta baking bread. He must have gone to change clothes at his house because he's wearing different ones. "Good morning", I tell him. "Good morning, did I wake you?", he asks, concerned. "No", I reply. Peeta serves me a plate of cheese buns and cereal. I hear the phone ring, "It's probably Annie she's going to tell me when she'll come to visit", I tell Peeta. I pick up the phone and hear a man's voice, "Hello, Catnip".


	3. Chapter 3

~~~Chapter 3~~~

I stand still in shock to the voice I just heard. _I must have imagined it it's not real, _I tell myself. "Are you okay, Katniss?", asks Peeta. I hang the phone and cry on Peeta's shoulders. "Who was it?", Peeta asks me concerned. "Ga-", I can't even say his name. Gale, he used to be my best friend, he left me and moved to District Two, where he got a _fancy_ job. His bomb killed my sister. Sweet, helpful, loveable Prim. I know it wasn't his fault President Coin used the bombs, but why would he make such a horrible weapon in the first place! We had been friends since that day in the woods.

The day he thought I tried to steal his game, when in reality I was trying to figure out how he made his snares. We helped each other hunt and we became best friends, we always knew what the other was thinking. He had helped my family and others out of District Twelve during the bombing, while Peeta and I were in the Quarter Quell. I was grateful that he saved Prim and my mother, but in the end Prim was gone forever.

The phone rings, and I _bet I know who it is_. "I'll answer", says Peeta. "Thanks", I say, trying not to cry. I can't imagine what Gale would tell Peeta, and_ I_, also would not want to know. "Hello", Peeta says as he answers the phone. "Was it him?", I ask in a whisper, still sobbing. "It's Annie", he says. He hands me the phone, I'm glad it's not Gale, I wouldn't know what to say to him.

"Hello? Annie, are you there?", I ask trying not to cry. "Katniss! I'm going to go to District Twelve in July", says Annie. "That's in two months", I say. "Yes, are you okay?", she asks awkwardly. "Oh, yes", I reply. "Why are you crying?", she asks me. "I don't want to talk about it", I say. I don't know what else to say, _I don't know if I should tell her_, I think. "So are you and Peeta, finally. . . together?", she asks. I blush for some stupid reason, I don't know why, and I see Peeta noticed. "What?", he asks. "Nothing", I tell him quickly, I end up laughing. "Seriously, what?", he says. I just start to laugh harder. I haven't laughed in a while not since Prim's. . .

"No", I tell Annie, once I stop laughing. "Oh, I thought you two would. . . you know", she trails off. I decide to change the subject, I don't want to get married and I can't think of love after all that's happened. "So your coming in two months?", I ask. "Yes", she replies. "Okay, see you then", I say. "Bye, see you and Peeta soon", she says cheerfully. She hangs up and I stare into Peeta's blue eyes.

I look away, hoping he didn't notice. He noticed and asked me if I was alright. "I'm fine", I say. I look at his eyes, he hasn't had one of his hijacking moments, maybe he can recover, and he has been starting to act like his old self lately.

I can't stand but smile. Before I know what's happening our lips have joined together. I feel that thing again, the thing I felt in the beach, that hunger that overtook me. _Why do I feel this way with him_, I wonder. When Gale had kissed me I never felt this feeling, I don't know what it is. I break apart from Peeta when I remember that I don't want to get married. His eyes stare at me with confusion, adoration, and shock. "I don't know why I did that", I say and run up the stairs. I lock the door and go to the bathroom. Why would I do that?

I can't love him, he wants to raise a family, while I, on the other hand, want nothing of that. I'm dreading the moment I will have to see him again. I remember how just yesterday I didn't want him to leave and how much it hurt if that happened. And now I don't want to see him anymore. What's going on with me?

I liked the kiss, I admit but I can't be with someone. Especially with everything that's happened. I remember when Gale told me he was jealous of Peeta and I saw how it would be like if Gale had to pretend to love someone else. I guess I would get jealous, but it would probably be best for everyone if they didn't love me. Almost everyone I love is dead.

I know I don't want a family, with everything that has happened nothing can change my mind. Peeta will probably never heal anyways, and it would be better if I just died. Why couldn't he have killed me back in the war, when Coin sent him to kill me. It would have been better if I had died, there's nothing left for me here.

I've caused so much pain to everyone, why don't they just let me die. It would be better if I had eaten the Night Lock when I had the chance back in the arena. If only I knew what it would lead to. . .

"Katniss", I hear Peeta say outside my room. "Please open the door", he continues. I know I can't hide forever so I open the door. "Can we just . . . forget about what happened", I say shyly, still crying. "Okay", he replies. I'm relieved, I don't know why I did that, kiss him. I don't know what to do, I need to clear my mind. I walk downstairs with Peeta and continue to eat breakfast. I decide to go to the woods today.


	4. Chapter 4

~~~Chapter 4~~~

"I'm going hunting", I tell Peeta. I grab my bow and some arrows, hunting is not illegal anymore, so I don't need to hide my equipment anymore. I still keep some bows and arrows hidden in trees in the woods, just in case. I walk out of the house and find Buttercup resting on a bed of grass. Buttercup, the last living reminder I have of Prim. I have her things in my house but she loved that cat with all of her heart. I'm glad I didn't drown him years ago. He hisses at me and I start to walk again. He looks clean, he has probably been at Haymitch's house all this time. I'm reminded of how a few days ago I was crying with him, over Prim's death.

I enter the woods and begin to think. Could there be a reason to even continue living? I walk through the woods and see a rabbit. I shoot it straight on the eye. It's almost afternoon, I have hunted five rabbits and seven squirrels.

I wish I had died, I can't stop thinking about Prim. Why did they try to save me? I continue to walk and then I see a bush, filled with berries. The berries look familiar, then I notice what kind they are. Night Lock.

The first thing that comes to mind is Foxface. She accidentally ate the Night Lock Peeta had gathered. She was smart and if I died I wanted her to win. I had also wanted Rue to have won but she was killed by Marvel. It had crossed my mind that maybe Foxface had committed suicide. I remember watching her in the berries section during training, back at the Capitol. . .

She was a smart one, she could have won. _But she didn't_, I remember. She might have committed suicide, she knew only one could live. The Capitol had revoked the 'two tributes can win if they are from the same district' rule. Foxface probably knew what they were trying to do. If she wanted to win she would have to kill the three remaining tributes. Cato would have won and Foxface knew she would die in such a bloody way if he did. Cato was torn apart by muttations, she must have known she wouldn't be able to survive. Or maybe she just didn't know Night Lock was deathly. . .

I continue to walk and find a path I had never seen before. I grabbed my bow and arrow, just in case. The path was narrow, and the trees were really high. Sunlight was barely visible. I walked further in and saw a bush with berries, Night Lock. Most of the bushes I came across were Night Lock. I continued walking and found a river filled with fish. The water, crystal clear, reflected on the light. I decided to fish, I catch five fish by stabbing them with arrows. Some of the fish in the lake are ordinary goldfish while others were catfish. I heard a noise coming from the bushes nearby. I turned and saw a rabbit, it's white and brown fur glistering in the light. I could just stare at it forever, but then I got my bow and arrow and shot it.

I haven't found anything rather interesting, so far. I sit in a rock near the river, and begin to think about my problems again. Everyone I love is dead, should I just commit suicide? There's all these Night Lock around, it's like someone's trying to send me a message to just give up on life. There's nothing left for me. I grab one of the Night Lock berries and hold it in my hand. There's no one I love and no one who loves me. _Peeta_, I think. He loves me but I'm not sure I feel the same way for him.

I know he still loves me but I don't think I do. I remember about the kiss earlier today, the way I felt. I liked it, I admit. I don't know if he will even recover back to his normal self. I throw the berry on the floor.

I decide to go back home, this was a waste of time. I remember about Bonnie and Twill, they were never found in District Thirteen. Whatever happened to them? Are they still alive? Or are they dead, so many questions that will not be answered.

I notice the burn scars are fading, the cream has been working. Maybe I can rebuild my life and start all over. I see a rose, early primrose. I bend down and pick it up. _Prim,_ I think. A tear runs down my cheek, I have missed her a lot. Peeta is the only reason I get up in the morning. I do love him but not in a romantic kind of way. I think about why he would even love me in the first place?

Peeta always helped me keep sane, he would help my nightmares go away. I never helped him and I feel selfish. I remember one time Peeta told me his nightmares were usually about losing me. The thought makes me feel worst.

Gale moved on to another district. I wonder if he's with someone else now. That would be best, I don't want to start a family, with nobody for that matter.

Peeta had told the world he was in love with me during his interview with Ceaser Flickerman. I got mad at him and then Haymitch explained to me that he had made me desirable.

During the time we were at the cave, I wondered if he was just acting. I learned later he wasn't. I wasn't sure what I felt for him, and I still don't. I remember when Finnick had told me that at first he thought we were acting, but then when Peeta nearly died he was sure I felt something for him. Everyone says I loved him, but I'm not sure if I am.

I miss Finnick. He was torn apart by muttations thanks to me. I don't know why the rebels had rescued me instead of Peeta during the Quarter Quell. Maybe if Peeta had been rescued, Finnick would still be alive. Annie and Finnick had just gotten married and now he's gone.

I'm not sure none of us will be able to heal. After everything that happened, it's not likely to happen. We won the rebellion, there are no more games, but they will be doing one last game next month, full of Capitol children.

It's been hours since I have been in the woods, so I begin to walk home again, I can't move my legs! I'm stuck in quicksand!


End file.
